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Friday, March 10, 2006

How To Start A Terrorist Network?

Moved on! Check TheCairoCalls

Being entrepreneurial as ever, I always pondered this question; how do one get to start his own terrorist group. I mean I obviously am against what they're doing, but on a more logistic, operational, organizational level these guys astonish me. How could the Bin-Ladins and Zarqawis of the world get to coordinate those massive killing networks with such precision we hear of on the evening news, without any MBAs in their ranks.
After brief observations, and briefer thoughts, I give you the "Extremist's Guide To Start His Own Terror Group":
  1. 1. Find a victim (preferably somebody who was, being, or willing to be killed). The wider the definition of the 'victim' the better.
  2. 2. Find a villain who can pass Mr. Evil's criteria of badness. Abstract, stereotype, dehumanize, and repeat.
  3. 3. Define an ideology. It's not hard really; use very big words to define it, scream while you're talking about it, and make your eyes dilate in utter disbelief when somebody questions it (I know it takes practice, but you'll manage)
  4. 4. Have a leader. You got to have a leader. Can you have a war without a hero? You sure can't! I know that you're thinking "I'm the leader! I am the one reading the manual!" I know. But you can't be a 'leader', until you star in your own version of "Passion of the Christ". Man, you gotta be the savior. S-a-v-i-o-r. The greater the number of people you're trying to save the better; it widens the recruitment pool. Also, you need to emphasize traumas in your life and how it made you the great leader you are. If these traumas include one when the villain took you away from your parents in your childhood, you've hit the jackpot.
  5. 5. Be paranoid. Needless to say, everybody is conspiring against you.
  6. 6. Give suggestions not orders, preferably in the heat of defining your ideology (see 3). Something like "we disapprove of killing, but if any of the villains took as much as a breath of air that could have gone to us, then we will surely kill him without hesitation!" See, no orders, just suggestions! (will also serve you well during investigations later on)
  7. 7. Offer alternatives, between dying or following you blindly "...even if we have to give up some of our principles...hell...dying isn't a good principle, now is it?!"
  8. 8. Repeat, repeat, and repeat. Through cassettes, CDs, satellite channels, internet, the new blogging thingie...you know, the works!
Now that you have your own terror group, I have one more advice to you; "Never be upstaged", stay invincible, stay vindicated!

Moved on!

19 Comments:

this is very simple , but practical one..i will try it & tell you soon...
( be sure i am not going to tell my source during investigations!!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at March 10, 2006 3:23 AM  


use very big words to define it, scream while you're talking about it, and make your eyes dilate in utter disbelief when somebody questions it

Offer alternatives, between dying or following you blindly



Great post!!!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at March 10, 2006 3:47 AM  

Brilliant!

By Blogger Muhammad, at March 10, 2006 1:46 PM  

TB:

Haha, excellent post. But I have to tell you that it took nearly an hour for me to read it as I avoided people seeing the " How To Start A Terrorist Network?" title on my computer screen.

You know, a Muslim, in America, with that title on his screen could mean I'd be blogging from Gitmo next time!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at March 10, 2006 5:56 PM  

Exactly Alb, the same thing here.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at March 10, 2006 6:42 PM  

"How could the Bin-Ladins and Zarqawis of the world get to coordinate those massive killing networks with such precision..."
I guess they don't; not as much as USoA wants to beleive anyway.

The very name 'Alqaeda' is an american 'manufacturing', watch for the relation between 'manufacture' and 'fact'. It's in the language.

Now that you have all what you wrote and 'Alqaeda' on your blog, you can watch teh traffic and watch out for yourself :)

By Anonymous Anonymous, at March 10, 2006 9:37 PM  

i came over it at work too, got really paranoid and didn't finish it. i'm in norway

By Anonymous Anonymous, at March 11, 2006 1:05 AM  

Did you get the idea for this after reading Aqoul's post on "how to be a moderate Muslim reformer"? It was about as funny as yours. It would be great to let Osama and Irshad Manji just battle each other to the death and we could just watch.

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It's not hard really; use very big words to define it, scream while you're talking about it..

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If these traumas include one when the villain took you away from your parents in your childhood, you've hit the jackpot.

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Big words to define it, scream while you're talking about it, and make your eyes dilate in utter disbelief when somebody questions it, Offer alternatives, between dying or following you blindly

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