The Great Chicken Scare of 2006
But I think that the matter is much more serious. Here is how I see it developing:
- Desperate housewives, freaked at the fact that they're losing one of the pillars of their cuisine, call religious programs at satellite channels hoping for guidance.
- Satellite sheikhs jump at the opportunity by saying that while eating chicken is halal, those chickens that actually mingled with foreign roosters are infidel trumps and thus they should be denied the honor of being eaten by Muslims.
- Posters of crossed out chicken, with slogans like "Defend Islam, Kick Out the Chicks" appear everywhere.
- E-mails are filled with chain mails about somebody who defied the agreement of the Muslim Ummah on boycotting chicken and actually ate one on dinner, only to wake up crowing next morning.
- Trying to keep things under control, the government starts a campaign to curtail hate crimes towards chickens.
- Because the government is doing this, satellite sheikhs reason, then we can safely assume that chicken are part of a global conspiracy to humiliate the Ummah, and thus it is the duty of every Muslim male to avenge his honor. "But, let's try to control our reactions"
- Chicken coops are torched everywhere!
- Angry mobs burn the Egyptian flag, after a rumor spread through sms that it is not an eagle but the chicken of Jehovah that is on the flag. Apparently, a book written in the early 19th century outlined the plan to humiliate Muslims by making them submit to a flag that has a chick on it.
- Calls for boycotting Doux chicken, extends to include every product the French produce. After all it was the French who slew Muslims at the Battle of Tours in 732, and making their chicken pay for it is the least any Muslim male can do.
- Distressed and confused, the French president has this to say to TV5: "I cannot get it, zes Arabe fellows, France hat alwayz been zere for zem, but ef it come to our chicken zen we have to reponde...I am afraid, I'll have to order our militarie to uze da bomb!"
- Chicken banquets are thrown all over Egypt. The faithful take comfort in the fact that it was their active boycotting of the chicken that forced the chicken to mind their sinful ways.