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Sunday, February 05, 2006


Moved on! Check TheCairoCalls

I am a genius!
This is not a very modest way to start a post (nor end it, if you think about it), but sometimes one has to bow to the most evident of facts, and accept the unquestionable truth: I am a genius.
"What sent you on this ego-maniacal frenzy?" you might ask, and you have every right to do so.

But before I answer you, let me just speak to the coming generations, from which a bright young man will spend hours upon hours trying hieroglyphic Chkdsk commands in an effort to get this piece of junk he got at Silico-Junk for $999.99 (a real bargain in their times), to release the brilliant thoughts and words entrapped onto them. To this young guy: I salute you, for you had uncovered the secret code of ever lasting peace and harmony between all mankind.
But, let me talk to my time-mates now kid, will you?

Notice all the madness that is going all around us? Notice how great wars and conflicts can arise from the smallest of misunderstandings, and the tiniest of cultural discrepancies?
Ever wanted to feel safe in a world that is increasingly polarized, and where an especially psychopathic French president is threatening that if somebody does something to some French interests, he will blow da'bomb ("Stay away from me...I'm dangerous...I'm mad, really mad...get back!")? Ever wanted to have the freedom to practice what you believe is true without fear of prosecution, humiliation, or getting your embassy bombed?
Well, I did. But now I found the cure, which you can all apply!
Eliminate "THEY"!! (as in "they are plotting against us...", "they made me do it...", "they should rot in hell..", etc,etc...)
Yes, cross it out from dictionaries. And don't try to smart-ass me. Cross out them, ellos, ils, and هم from the dictionarioes as well.
This word is from the devil. It had always been used to collect un-harmonious objects in big chunks which essentially has nothing to do with each other. It had been used by all wackos through out history to vindicate themselves from blame. (From Marie Antoinette's "they had it coming", referring to the French peasants'' starvation, to Nero's "they left milk to boil too long" when asked about the cause of Rome's burning).
And it is still in use to this very day to denote fear of the other and, sometimes, unjustified inferiority complexes. Take this discussion I had with my imaginary radical friend (the inside of my mind is a really fabulous place!):

Me: Why are you so angry?
IRF (for Imaginary Radical Friend, duh!): Because these sick morons insulted the prophet in a cartoon they made, that's why.
Me: You know what, you're right, those cartoonists should really be held responsible for their actions, they should apologize for what they did, they should....
IRF: [interrupting me] cartoonists? Do you want to punish only the cartoonists?
Me: [perplexed] Yeah, I guess...
IRF: [with a mad look on his face] THEY should all pay the price for this. It is only fair after all what have THEY done for us!
Me: [really confused] They have done to you? Who do you mean? Taxi drivers?? 'cuz the only problem I think you have is in getting a cab to work, that's about it!
IRF: [with the I-can't-stand-hearing-what-you-say-but-I'll-redeem-you-anyways look]: Are you kidding me in such a grave matter?? I mean THEY! All of them who are killing Palestinians and Iraqis.
Me: The Danes?!!
IRF: All of them, THEY're plotting against us, we have to teach THEM a lesson!
Me: So what we should do?
IRF: We should fight them to the end!!
Me: What end?
IRF: Their end!!!
Me: [fed up] yeah, sure....tell me when you're ready. Meanwhile say Hola to Sancho Panza

But to be fair a similar thing happened with my other imaginary, dude friend from their part of the world (still all in the little fabulous place, I like to call me head):

IDF: (yeah, you guessed it) Yo, ma man these are some crazy ass wackos out there
Me: Chill out man...who's getting' on your back...
IDF: Those Muslim niggas, they're throwing bombs and shootin bullets every otha way...it's crazy man, it's like the bronx out there man..
Me: [a little taken back] You know, I'm one of those, you know, crazy-ass wackos
IDF: No, no nigga, You ma dawg...I mean THEM. They're all crazy, angry nutjobs
Me: [really lost] Crazy, and angry? I mean, I can't even hold my turn in the fuckin' train queue. For the conductor guy, I am passenger number 5, that's the nearest I got to getting on the train. I had a friend who is really shy, he doesn't use cellphone because he wants to save himself the impressment of being asked to "call again later"...what crazy, angry Muslims are you talking about?
IDF: Well, maybe not you two, but the rest of them Muslims...uh...what should I say...THEY will kill you the moment you give them you're back....it is like...BAM....and [he looks to me as if he is about to let me on a secret] THEY want to rule the world...those sandniggas!
Me: When we rule the world, I'll let you get the tacos you like...
IDF: Thanks Bro!

Imagine the loss of words those two nut-jobs (who are both inside my head, mind you) will suffer if the satanic word was crossed out! Now that's eliminating hate! Because people will then have to think a bit harder about who they're really talking about. And from what I know about similar people, thinking would be really tiring to them, that it's ought to let off most of their steam anyways. So, you know, we would all have more time to rationalise things, and COMMUNICATE about our differences.
If this works out, we can then start wiping out words like east and west (after all they're just directions for God's sake!)

Until then, be proactive: CROSS OUT "THEY"

P.S. feel free to create banners, logos, or tiny tanktops with the slogan on!

Moved on!


LOOOL great post TB, you are talented man. Well, i am not into making banners and logos but I will spread the word. Whenever you have that banner or logo ready i will be first to put it on my blog.

CROSS OUT "THEY"!... that's an invention man..you should get that copyrighted.

By Blogger Jimmy, at February 06, 2006 12:18 AM  

Toman Bay, what an incredible idea! No more they, perfect!

And I love the characters that reside in your head, I have a few of those up there too.

But seriously, IRF and IDF do illustrate the extreme and lack of logical thinking of some people on this planet.

If only they saw it the same way...

By Anonymous AS, at February 06, 2006 5:42 AM  

However I fear that THEY will accuse YOU of attacking thier free speech

By Blogger shiro, at February 06, 2006 4:31 PM  

Tomanbay, thank you for the comment you left on my blog, which was both polite and interesting -- two things I appreciate. I think you fall prey to the fallacy that one can communicate kindly and rationally with someone who believes you don't deserve to live. Rational debate is the privilege of rational thinkers. People who work themselves up in a murderous frenzy because they don't like a cartoon are not thinking rationally and, more to the point, they do not currently appear interested in thinking rationally. Or, perhaps, that is their view of rational thinking. Certainly the Nazis, within their genocidal little bubble, had an entirely rational viewpoint: we are the master race, everyone else should be enslaved, and Jews, gypsies, homosexuals, the mentally retarded, the aged, etc. are so far out of the pale we should just destroy them. And acting on these highly "rational" thoughts, the Germans did just that. If there's one thing we've learned from the killers through history, and from the superefficient killers of the 20th Century (Hitler, Stalin, Mao, etc.), it's that when people declare their intention of destroying you, and begin acting on that intention, they mean it. At that point, if you don't react, or if you pull the Chamberlain "Peace with honor" stunt, you become personally responsible for the resulting deaths of millions upon millions of people.

By Blogger Bookworm, at February 06, 2006 6:56 PM  

Bookworm, also, to add to your list of the things that should've been learnt through history, that every time there's a purge or a genocidal or racial rampage against certain people, there's always people like you giving an excuse to killing them all, by stereotypical generalizations that vilifies and dehumanizes them, that little by little they're deemed as souless subhumans by others like you, have you ever thought that the people who imposed the jim crowe laws thought for a moment they're racists, I bet you, they gave some seemingly rational explanations for those laws while viewing themselves as good and fair people, exactly as you're doing right now. Excellent job proving Tomanbay's point of view.
Brilliant article TomanBay, perfectly put.

By Anonymous Mohamed, at February 06, 2006 10:57 PM  

Well, as much as I wish this idea would work, I have to say that humanity has had the unenviable ability to come up with all sorts of words to replace "they" and you defined a number of them:

Wackos (which ones?), Jews, Arabs -pretty over reaching those two descriptions and tend to be used to define the whole - no one is going to spend their time talking about or trying to define the specifics of which jews or arabs are the particular cause of angst - most people don't spend that much time thinking about inanimate objects like "cars", but if asked by the police to describe a hit and run vehicle would be able to go so far as to say it was "big, blue and had four wheels" and that, unfortunately, is if they are lucky.

Humans like to define. We like to use big open definitions because we are lazy. even I discussed this issue with friends and said "the Muslim world" in reference to the struggle within for definition, and leadership while understanding there are many sects, many nations and many different values from the liberal to the ultra conservative with millions of stops in between.

Unfortunately, we would have to erase the entirity of human language. We couldn't even maintain grunts and groans since these would eventually become defined by the eternal mind. Sadly, I also believe that human nature will out so the end result would not necessarily be peace and harmony, but war between the pantomimes.

Now that I've said all that, your piece was vastly amusing. Still have a smile on my face thinking of the dream.

By Blogger Kat, at February 08, 2006 12:05 PM  

Kat: thanks for the comment. I really appreciate thought-out comments...
I think what you're saying is true...it is invetible. Humans think about stuff in frames of refrences and the broader those frames, the more easier for us to draw conclusions out, thus making ourselves seem more smarter.
Language is a very over-looked topic, which can provide insight that says a lot about the people who use it. For example, I believe that in case of Arabs, the use of "They" excessively denotes really classic cases of paranoia, and inferiority complexes. The "west's" increasing use of worlds like "the muslim world" is a strong signal that "they"'re becoming increasingly paranoid.
Anywyas, I am not setting out to start altering languages, but I think that we should use those words with a huge grain of salt. It'll have an effect!

By Blogger Tomanbay, at February 08, 2006 1:49 PM  

Very interesting (and highly entertaining) post. For us (presumably) rational persons, radicalism always seems to bring out the humourous, ironic side in our personalities -- and your post is a sterling example thereof.

However, I have to point out that radicals tends to take a dim view of ironic humour, especially when it is pointed in their direction. To a certain degree, that's how this entire mess started.

You might find it interesting to read my ongoing series of blogposts about the anatomy of the "Cartoon Row", as seen from Denmark -- in my blog, titled Random Platitudes.

By Blogger RP, at February 23, 2006 3:24 PM  

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